inarticulate
A familiar feeling from the past brought itself back with a will of its own. How’s that fucking possible? I believed I had moved on from that state. But here it is, coming back at me with vengeance. Just what the fuck did I do to deserve this?
The physical and metaphysical struggle would accompany me through the upcoming sleepless nights(Me and my neurotic thinking again). Fuck. Pessimism, catastrophic expectations, surely won’t help me here as this unconsciously unearthed anxiety resurrects the dead butterflies in my stomach. Now, with their wings of flame, I can feel them flying around my heart. Slowly converting each vessel into ashes.
These are the kind of times wherein I need someone I could confine in… Though I did it alone in the past … I’m starting to doubt that I could do it again… Fuck … That line of negative thinking again. Old, especially bad habits die hard.
Phone? None. A computer? I’m a son of poverty. Friends? They are too busy with their lives to be bothered. Parents? I told them before, once, my Father told me I’m crazy.
And here I am on the same finish line I stepped on before. La la la la la la.
“In the darkest hours of your life, you shall see the brightest stars.” A friend of mine once told me during those darker times. … “Darker.” It was a lot worse before. I dread closing my eyes because I see “creatures”. For that, sleeping was nearly-impossible.
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“I never thought that Jesus was all I ever needed until the time came that Jesus was all I ever have.” I said this 3 or 4 years ago when I started believing in to God again.
And yeah… Jesus was that brightest star. Amen. Que sera sera. Hakuna Matata. Let go and let God when all self-support fails.
It’s so hard to put such extreme thoughts into simply words. This is inarticulate indeed but this is a very effective form of catharsis. Hahahaha. Yey. I’m laughing and I feel better now.
